Razor
Legit VIP
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, “Mabel,
do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?”
Mabel answered, “I have a suppository in my ear?” She pulled it out
and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.”
When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice
in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were
the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained
bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”
Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day so of course I know he
died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember
him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.”
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came
up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't
find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise
that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by
and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: “Ma'am, sorry to
inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled
him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl
worth $50,000. Please advise.”
The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”
A funeral service was being held for a woman who had just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pallbearers were carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. They heard a faint moan.
They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive!
She lived for ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was held,
and at the end of it, the pallbearers were again carrying out the casket.
As they carried the casket towards the door, the husband cried out, “Watch that wall!”
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench
sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly ground coffee.”
I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”
She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite
brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon...”
I said, “Well, why are you crying?”
She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my
favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.”
I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”
She said, “I can't remember where I live!”
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
“Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time... but
I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune
to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, “Mabel,
do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?”
Mabel answered, “I have a suppository in my ear?” She pulled it out
and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.”
When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice
in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were
the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained
bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”
Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day so of course I know he
died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember
him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.”
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came
up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't
find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise
that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by
and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: “Ma'am, sorry to
inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled
him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl
worth $50,000. Please advise.”
The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”
A funeral service was being held for a woman who had just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pallbearers were carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. They heard a faint moan.
They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive!
She lived for ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was held,
and at the end of it, the pallbearers were again carrying out the casket.
As they carried the casket towards the door, the husband cried out, “Watch that wall!”
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench
sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly ground coffee.”
I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”
She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite
brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon...”
I said, “Well, why are you crying?”
She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my
favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.”
I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”
She said, “I can't remember where I live!”
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
“Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time... but
I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune
to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.