ONE HECK OF A WEEK!!!
MONDAY
The mother of a
17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter
was having sex...
Worried the girl might
become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family
doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers
today were very willful and any attempt to stop
the girl would probably result in
rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her
daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of
condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter
was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a
box of condoms.
The
girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug
her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have
to worry about that! I'm
dating Susan!'
TUESDAY
A man went to
church one day and afterward he stopped to shake
the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll
tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.
Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank
you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
profanity..'
The man said, 'I was so damned
impressed with that sermon I put five thousand
dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher
said, 'No shit?'
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve
took their six-year-old son to the
doctor
With some hesitation, they explained
that although their little angel appeared to be
in good health, they were concerned about his
rather small penis.
After examining the
child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just
feed him pancakes. That should solve the
problem.'
The next morning when the boy
arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of
the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed.
'For me?'
'Just take
two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are
for your father.'
THURSDAY
One
night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo
to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with
another woman.. She became violent and
ended up pushing him off the balcony of their
20th floor apartment, killing him
instantly. Brought before the court, on
the charge of murder, she was asked if she had
anything to say in her own defense.
'Your Honor,'
she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he
could screw, he could fly.'
FRIDAY
A
Doctor was addressing a large audience in
Tampa . 'The material we put into
our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago... Red meat is
awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with
MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and
none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by
the germs in our drinking water. However,
there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can
anyone here tell me what food it is that causes
the most grief and suffering for years after
eating it?'
After several seconds
of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and
softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely
wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club
with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks
everyone's socks off with her youthful sex
appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm
and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At
the very first chance, they corner him and ask,
'Bob, how'd you get the trophy
girlfriend?' Bob replies,
'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They
are knocked over, but continue to ask.
'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did
you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob
smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was
90.'
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were
traveling by tour bus through Holland
.. As they stopped at a cheese farm,
a young guide led them through the process of
cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was
used. She showed the group a lovely
hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'Are
the older goats put out to pasture when
they no longer produce.' She then asked,
'What do you do in America with your
old goats?'
A
spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on
bus tours!
The mother of a
17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter
was having sex...
Worried the girl might
become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family
doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers
today were very willful and any attempt to stop
the girl would probably result in
rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her
daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of
condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter
was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a
box of condoms.
The
girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug
her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have
to worry about that! I'm
dating Susan!'
TUESDAY
A man went to
church one day and afterward he stopped to shake
the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll
tell you, that was a damned fine sermon.
Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank
you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
profanity..'
The man said, 'I was so damned
impressed with that sermon I put five thousand
dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher
said, 'No shit?'
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve
took their six-year-old son to the
doctor
With some hesitation, they explained
that although their little angel appeared to be
in good health, they were concerned about his
rather small penis.
After examining the
child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just
feed him pancakes. That should solve the
problem.'
The next morning when the boy
arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of
the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed.
'For me?'
'Just take
two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are
for your father.'
THURSDAY
One
night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo
to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with
another woman.. She became violent and
ended up pushing him off the balcony of their
20th floor apartment, killing him
instantly. Brought before the court, on
the charge of murder, she was asked if she had
anything to say in her own defense.
'Your Honor,'
she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he
could screw, he could fly.'
FRIDAY
A
Doctor was addressing a large audience in
Tampa . 'The material we put into
our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago... Red meat is
awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach
lining. Chinese food is loaded with
MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and
none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by
the germs in our drinking water. However,
there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can
anyone here tell me what food it is that causes
the most grief and suffering for years after
eating it?'
After several seconds
of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and
softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely
wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club
with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks
everyone's socks off with her youthful sex
appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm
and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At
the very first chance, they corner him and ask,
'Bob, how'd you get the trophy
girlfriend?' Bob replies,
'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They
are knocked over, but continue to ask.
'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did
you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob
smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was
90.'
SUNDAY
Groups of Americans were
traveling by tour bus through Holland
.. As they stopped at a cheese farm,
a young guide led them through the process of
cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was
used. She showed the group a lovely
hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'Are
the older goats put out to pasture when
they no longer produce.' She then asked,
'What do you do in America with your
old goats?'
A
spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on
bus tours!