Razor
Legit VIP
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!”
__________________________________________________ __
Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. .... It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”
__________________________________________________ ____
I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don't get offers like that every day.
__________________________________________________ __
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party.
In my defenseÂ…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
__________________________________________________ __
My wife just came in and said, “I don't know if I am coming or going.
”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you're going – ‘cus when you're coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”
__________________________________________________ __
I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fucked a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?
__________________________________________________ ___
The missus asked me, “When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” .... Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn't the right answer.
__________________________________________________ ___________________________________
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I'd win one!”
__________________________________________________ __
WhatÂ’s the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own fucking bike, and wanted to go home!
__________________________________________________ __
Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. .... It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”
__________________________________________________ ____
I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don't get offers like that every day.
__________________________________________________ __
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party.
In my defenseÂ…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
__________________________________________________ __
My wife just came in and said, “I don't know if I am coming or going.
”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you're going – ‘cus when you're coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”
__________________________________________________ __
I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I fucked a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?
__________________________________________________ ___
The missus asked me, “When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” .... Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn't the right answer.
__________________________________________________ ___________________________________
Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I'd win one!”
__________________________________________________ __
WhatÂ’s the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own fucking bike, and wanted to go home!
